Hello, me again.

It has been over two years…

and I still feel the same itch that I described in my very first post. The tingling I can still feel in my fingertips to type it all out. The internal voice that constantly screams to get back to being real and raw. Time had just gotten away from me and life kept happening. No better time than now to pick back up where I left off, right? Even if it has been two years now.

“You may delay, but time will not.”

Benjamin Franklin

I have thought a lot about this blog I started in 2019 and I had all intentions of getting back to it but the time never felt right or I was never really inspired to write anything. Although, for some odd reason, tonight felt different. Thoughts of my posts randomly ran across my mind which then led me to look them up and reread through a few. After reading through some of my old posts it made me think about the last three years of my life which has not been a walk in the park, let me tell you. We had the pandemic and the period of quarantine which made me feel even more isolated and alone than I had already been feeling. Internal struggles I was dealing with were kept hidden and I put on my happiest of faces on the outside. I do what I always do, I bury. I stuff things deeper and deeper until I have no more room to stuff and then it all explodes at one time. During that burial period I usually spend my time overthinking all that I have hidden away and I torment myself. I make myself believe that I cannot talk to anyone because I will be seen as weak or that they will be looked at as insignificant problems that I blew out of proportion. Over the last year I had buried, hidden away, and stuffed way more than ever. I hoarded ongoing struggles with myself, my emotions, feelings, and even things in my marriage to the point of not being able to breathe through all of the “stuff”. When I had finally let it all go one day at my parents I felt like a weight had been lifted and I had been hit with all of that weight at the same time. I stayed up a few nights after that thinking, rethinking, and overthinking what all I had said. The utter raw emotion I felt. The exposure to all of the ugly parts of me. I felt seen and heard and that let me know I needed to get it out. After those nights of staying up late replaying the conversation in my mind, I decided to share all of that ugliness to my husband. Through panic stricken breaths and tears we talked for hours, something we rarely did anymore, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever faced. We talked about the mundane day to day that led us to the routine rut that we had fallen into. I learned I was not alone in how I felt on some things, which was a relief. We discussed possible solutions to our problems which was comforting but also a bit scary. It was eye opening, I believe, to both of us.

I wrote this last year and it never got posted but I felt as though it couldn’t get lost in the drafts. This was something real and raw as are all of the things I wrote about and I felt it needed to be read by someone. I will use this last part as a sort of “update”. Getting all of what I was feeling off of my chest was a real wake up call for me. Learning that I could really cry on the shoulders of those who were there for me to do so was such a relief. I have always felt the need to be in control but little by little I have loosened those reigns and learned to let those that I trust share some of the weight on my shoulders when offered. I no longer feel as though I am going to be viewed as a weak individual who doesn’t have herself together. I say all of these things and share this long overdue post with included update to say simply this: talk to someone. If you feel the load you have weighted upon your shoulders is so heavy that you can physically feel your knees starting to buckle, talk to someone. Please don’t ever feel like you are alone because nine times out of ten, we are all going through a lot of the same feelings. Don’t keep carrying that heavy load, stuffing, burying, or crying yourself to sleep at night with overwhelming thoughts. TALK. TO. SOMEONE.