Enough…

The area of my life I feel like I struggle in the most. It’s not feeling like I don’t have enough, or that I have had enough of something, its that I feel I am NOT enough. I feel as though over time I become less and less of a person. I know I am not the only one that ever feels like this but even so, this topic will be a hard one for me, so bear with me as I type and try to keep my keyboard dry and my vision clear.

“Atelophobia: The fear of not doing something right or the fear of not being good enough. In other words, it’s a fear of imperfection.”

If anyone knows me well, they know that I need to have things done right. Not just any right either, MY right. I can openly admit I am a little bit of a control freak when it comes to things getting done the way I feel they should be. I absolutely love being in the kitchen with B, but I cringe when she is not doing something EXACTLY the way I have asked her and it usually results in her not wanting to help because I ruin it. Does this mean I have this atelophobia? No, I really don’t believe so I just have my ways and it is just how I like it, although that usually sets me up for failure. I already know I am imperfect as a person, so I try to make that up by doing everything else as perfectly as I can. What really stuck out to me though, was the fear of not being good enough. I struggle daily on feeling like I am no where near my best. I see all these other moms who are so patient with their kids, who write cute little notes to send them off to school with, who are always so put together. Then there is this mom, the one who woke up late because she stayed up all night enjoying silence. The mom who is telling her kid to “just find something in the fridge to take for snack”as I rush us out of the door in my slippers and no bra. If you haven’t guessed yet, that mom is me. This is just one area we are touching on. I never feel enough as a mom, as in enough of what they deserve. I work hard to get the things that they need done but what am I doing to be the mom they deserve? I can’t answer that. With tears in my eyes and disappoint in my heart, I cannot honestly answer that. We’re not just stopping there, oh no ma’am. Where else do I feel i’m not enough? How about as a wife. What am I doing to be the wife my husband deserves? He works long and tiring hours to provide for our family and what does he get at the end of the day? Yelled at. Most days I am at my wits end by the time he gets home because no one wanted to take a nap that day (other than mama), I didn’t do this and that the way my four year old wanted it done (wonder who she got that lovely trait from?), the baby is teething, and guess who started her period to kick that day off? It’s certainly not that I mean to be so ill tempered, its a whole days worth of emotions and frustrations coming all out like uncontrollable vomit from a horrific bout of food poisoning. This feeling doesn’t stay contained within the walls of my home either, that feeling is carried over to being a christian and my role in being a daughter. I feel like a failure a lot of times at life. I think to myself “you are almost thirty years old, how do you not have a grip on this life thing yet?” and I wonder if I ever will. I feel like I am none of those things anyone deserves. Why can’t I be the mom that doesn’t yell, or the wife that doesn’t fly off of the handle? Why I am not the christian God wants me to be and always seem to fail him daily? Why is it I feel like I am not enough as a daughter because there is so much more I want to do? Why, why, why? One of the things I tell my daughter before school every morning is “work hard to be your very best self today” but how hypocritical is that of me? I try to work hard, but I am no where near my best self. I don’t know why I don’t feel as though I measure up, all I can tell you is that I do not feel as though I am enough. Let me tell you how God tells me I am though. I can give Him a million reasons NOT to love me, but He can give me a million and one reasons why He does. Can I tell you how many times I have yelled at B out of frustration and then sat and cried in guilt and shame, only for her to come squeeze me as tight as her little arms can and tell me “I love you so much mama, its okay.” The times I feel so horrible about myself are also the times I hear that same sweet little four year old tell me how “pretty” I am. It does not even stop at my little girl because I haven’t even gotten to the times I have had complete STRANGERS bless me in ways they could not imagine. Saying the very words I needed to hear right at that very moment i NEEDED to hear them. That is all GOD. Those are moments He is telling me that I am enough. We are made in his image so why shouldn’t I feel like I am. Jesus saw enough in me and you to be nailed to a cross and die for us, so shame on me for ever feeling like I’m not. I pray you feel you are enough and if you don’t, just know you are more than enough. He seen enough in me and you to love and forgive us no matter what. If I can’t love myself right now, I can be sure He loves me. Ladies, we have to stop beating ourselves up and comparing ourselves to other women. We need to start learning to feel like we are deserving of others love because we are enough. This is something I work on constantly and I encourage you to do so as well. If no one has told you today, you are beautiful, you are smart, and you are more than enough.